Urinalysis



One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

The Magic Frog



A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."

Definitely



Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

Toasted Blonde



One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.

The doctor askes her what had happened.

She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone.

"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."

"The bastard called again"

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.



There are three moms. .

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.

They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"

They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.

Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"

Ten Husbands, Still a Virgin



A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Family Life





A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" asked the mother.

"Mom, I'm 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.

His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married, so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head.

The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and holding the vibrator up his ass with the other, watching a football game on TV.

"What on earth are you doing?" she cried.

The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm going? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!"

A girl with scary prays





David had a wonderful family. His parents were nice, he had a loving wife and a little girl, who prayed every night like she was taught. Once, David went to her door to say good night and heard that she was still praying. She said:
- Bless mum, bless dad, bless granma and bye bye granpa. A little confused he went to say good night and they both went to sleep. Next morning his mum, the girl's granny, had died.
In the evening dad listened the girl pray again:
"Bless mum, bless dad and bye bye granpa".
Next morning her granpa was found dead.
Scared, David went his daughter's room again and heard just what he scared:
"Bless mum and bye bye dad"
He couldn't sleep at all the whole night. In the morning he did all his chores much more careful than usually, drove to work very slowly and even more careful back home. When he got there, he realized that it was evening already and that he's not going to die. Releaved David went to his wife, wrapped his arms around her waist and said:
"I had a horrible day at the office today." She got mad and said:
"You think YOUR day was awful? My day started with the milkman dead on our carpet!"

Hand Job.





A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: - $1.50.
Chicken Sandwich: - $2.50.
Hand Job: - $10.00.

After checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am"

The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

25 Good Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women

1. You can enjoy a beer all month long
2. Beer stains wash out
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play baseball
5. When you beer goes flat, you toss it out
6. Hangovers go away
7. A beer labels come off without a fight
8. Beer is never late
9. Beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer
11. Beer never gets a headache
12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head
15. A beer always goes down easy
16. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty
17. You can share a beer with your friends
18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer
19. Beer is always wet
20. Beer doesn't demand equality
21. You can have a beer in public
22. A beer doesn't care when you come
23. A frigid beer is a good beer
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it taste good
25. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony

Faithful Or Not?

Three men died and stood in front of God. God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife.He admitted to two affairs duringhis marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven. The second man admitted to onlyone affair and was given a midsize car. The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.
A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.
"What's the matter?"
"I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"

Murder in Court

A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged withraping then beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bast.ard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with raping and then beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned bas.tard!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! I hope there will be no more problems,

The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that bast.ard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer ... he said he never had one!"

Bus Driver

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

Never screw with a Jew





It was just after a devastating nuclear war, and God came down to the Last Jew, Aberham

Appearing before the startled man, God said unto him "because you have been faithful, you have survived and I will grant you 3 wishes, however, as the arabs were persecuted, you should know, whatever you wish for, I shall increase 2 fold, for the last Arab.

The Aberham did not like this, but such as it was, he considered and said "Well Lord, for my first wish I wish for 1000 Square miles of fertile uncontaminated land.

And The lord smiled and says "that is wise, you will need a place to live that is free from contamination and to grow your food, but as you have wished I must give the arab, 2000 Square miles.

Aberham was troubled by this..but on to his second wish "Lord, I wish for 50, beautiful fertile women.

And God said "again a wise choice, for you must repopulate the earth, But as the arabs were persecuted I must give him 100 Women.

and Aberham REALLY didn't like this.

So he thought hard and then said to God "Lord, to remind me of this day of sadnes...I wish you to remove ONE of my balls....

The moral of this story is, never try to screw with a Jew

Panties and Gloves

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note -- romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love,
Hollingsworth

P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

I screw anybody

Having already downed a few power drinks, the woman turned to the man beside her, looked him straight in the eyes and said, “Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean… it doesn’t matter to me. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.” Eyes wide with interest, he responded, “No kidding, I’m a lawyer too! What firm are you with?”

How to buy some cyanide

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked him straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband on a bed with the pharmacist's wife, he had his cock deep down her throat.

The pharmacist looked at the picture nodded and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Playing cards

A boy is thirsty in the middle of the night so he gets up to get a drink of water. as he's going to the washroom down the hall, he looks into his parents bedroom and sees the sheets bouncing up and down. so he asks '' mother, what are you doing? '' and the mother says shes playing card with his father. the boy shrugs and walks on. then he looks into his sisters bedroom and the sheets are bouncing up and down and asks '' sister, what are you doing? the sister says that she's playing cards with her boyfriend. the boy shrugs and gets his water. an hour later the father walks out of the bedroom to get a snack from the kitchen. as he's walking he looks into his sons bedroom and sees the sheets bouncing up an down. he asks '' son, what are you
doing? '' and the son say he's playing cards. the dad is confused with this so he asks '' '' with who? '' and the son says '' you dont need a partner if you have a good hand ''

The Little Girl And A Bird

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.


The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"


"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.


When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "Idon't know.


I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."


Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"


After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

Smart employee

A man use to work somewhere ones he got sick he called his employer to tell him he can't come on work today so he want a week long leave.

employee: "Boss i can't come to work today."

Boss : "why?"

employee : "boss i am sick"

Boss: "When I'm sick I have sex with my wife i keep fucking her ass until she start crying believe it or not anal makes me feel better, try it."

employee: "ok if you say so"

Later employee called back: "It worked. i am feeling better now. You have a nice house!"

Give me a blowjob





One night, a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss eachother goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you insane? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on, no one's gonna see us at this hour."
"No, please. Can you imagine if we got caught?" "Oh, come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way, it's just too risky!" "Oh PLEASE? I love you sooo much!" "No, no, and no! I just can't." "I beg you..." Suddenly, the lights come on downstairs and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. and in a sleepy voice says. "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Or I can do it. Or if need to be, Mom can come down to do it. But for God's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom so we can go back to sleep!

Dianne's problem

Dianne goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."

The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.

"Well, what is it?" he asks.

"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."

The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Is your boyfriend a Harley rider?"

The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually he is."

"That's the problem," the doctor says. "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

Macho Mice



Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, “You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat ‘em like candy.” The second mouse, not to be outdone says, “Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it.” The third mouse says, “You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I’d love to keep hangin’ out with you here, but I gotta go fuck the cat.”

because I’m blonde




A girl came skipping to home from school one day…

Daughter : Mommy, Mommy, we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 !

Mom : Very good.

Daughter : Is it because I’m blonde ?

Mom : Yes, it’s because you’re blonde.


The next day the girl came skipping to home from school….

Daughter : Mommy, mommy, we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to G, but I said it to N. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L M, N !

Mom : Very good.

Daughter : Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy ?

Mom : Yes, it’s because you’re blonde.


The next day the girl came skipping to home from school…

Daughter : Mommy, Mommy, we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these ! (She lifted her tank top to reveal a fully developed chest ).

Mom : Very good !

Daughter : Is it because I’m blonde, mommy ?

Mom : No Honey, it’s because you’re 18 !

Actually I’m not an American

a man saw a dog is running to attack a girl. To save the the girl, that guy kicked the dog with his leg so hard that the dog died.


On the next day Newspapers published a news like ‘A brave American has saved a girl from a ferocious of dog .’


The man viewed the news and said, ” Actually I’m not an American .”


All the newspapers edited the news and published as ‘ A brave foreigner has saved a girl from a ferocious of dog.’


In the mean time the guy somehow told,” I am a Muslim. ”



Then Breaking News was published as ” A pretty dog, playing with a girl, is killed by a Muslim terrorist attack “.

Conversation between a Chinese and a Bengali



Chinese : What strange varieties nation you are ! Someone fairness, Some are brown, Some are also black. But our nation holding only one color, we are all White.
Bengali (rubbing hair): You are right, But do you know the actual cause of it?

Chinese : Why?
Bengali : The color of horse is different and in different varieties. But the color of all donkey is similar.

It is David’s Mother

Army Training is going on into Army Training Academy …
Officer Cadet asked to David : What is it in your hand ?
David : Sir, it’s a gun …!
Officer : No! It’s not a gun! It’s your honor, your pride, your mother, it is a mother !
The officer asked to Paul : What is it in your hand ?
Paul : Sir, it’s David’s mother, his honor, his pride !

My son is doing well



Three fathers are talking about their sons career….

1st Father : My son is doing well in his business and has earned a lot of properties and money. He earned as much as he has gifted a house to one of his friend in the last month.

2nd Father : My son also earned a lot by doing business. He also gifted an expensive hotel suit to one of his friend in the last month.

3rd Father : Although my son is not a business man , he has earned a huge and is in a good position in his career. Also the income and earning is so good that he gifted a Jaguar car to one of his friend.

Meanwhile another friend of these three fathers has presented on there. The three fathers asked their friend about his son’s career.

4th Father : (Angrily said) Please don’t ask about that scoundrel . He has destroyed my honor. He is a gay.. but the income and earnings are not bad. In the last month he has being a owner of a house, a Presidential suit and a Jaguar car !

when you orgasm



Husband : Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm ?


Wife : I don’t like to disturb you at the time of your work !!

The Smartest President In the History



Within a few minutes an airplane was about to crash. There were four passengers on board, but only three parachutes.

The first passenger : I am Russel Westbrook, the best basketball player. The Oklahoma city and my millions of fans need me, so I can’t afford to die.

He took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

The second passenger,Barack obama : I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest president in American history, so my people don’t want me to die.

He took the second pack and jumped out of the plane as well.

The third passenger, the Pope, said to the fourth passenger, a 10 year-old schoolboy : My son, I am old and I don’t have very many years left, you have plenty of years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.

The little boy : That’s okay, Your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for you. America’s smartest president took my schoolbag.

Disco Party.



Husband and Wife went to a disco party. There’s a guy on the dance floor was dancing like a king – moon walking, break dancing, head spins and so on.

The wife turned to her husband and sighed, “You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said no.”

Husband said, “Yep, it looks like he’s still celebrating!!”

Code word for sex

A newly married couple set a code word ‘Washing Machine’ for sex. In one night the husband said,”Washing Machine”. Wife replied,”Not tonight sweetheart, I’ve an headache today.” Half an hour passed and the wife felt guilty, so she said,”Washing Machine”. The husband replied,”Too late, it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand!

A genie

There once lived a woman. She was nice, pretty, had a good attitude with everything she did. But the only thing she hated about herself was her flat chest. It was as flat as a plank of wood and she couldn't bear living with it.

One day as she's walking home from work, a genie pops up out of nowhere and tells her: "Hello miss. I heard about your problem and i would love to help you solve it."
"Ok," says the woman. "How will you help me?"

"I will inflict a spell on you which causes your breasts to grow one inch every time someone tells you the word 'pardon'. For example, if you bump into someone, they would tell you 'pardon'. When you are satisfied, say the word 'gesundheit' and the spell will leave you. I'll be going now." He disappears. Excited, she goes to the market to try this out.

At the market, she purpousely bumps into someone, causing the person to tell her "pardon". Suddenly, her breasts grew an inch. She was very excited. This went on four more times. She decided that one more time should be enough. She sees an arab man walking by, so she goes to bump into him. After bumping into him, he turns around and says: "I am very sorry madam. A thousand pardons to you!!!"

Mom I've got a problem

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."

Blowjob Etiquette by a female

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

No talking For 30 Days


One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.

The man says "Oh just a beer".

The bartender asked the man "Whats wrong,why are you so down today?".

The man said "My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month".

The bartender said "So whats wrong with that"?

The man siad "Well the month is up tonight"

Satan's Sister

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

Shopping for a Husband

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

15 Things Not To Tell Your Boyfriend


1. That you think his ex girlfriend is a total bitch.

Your boyfriend’s ex is probably a poor excuse for a human—a raging cunt with bad breath and regrettable taste in clothing. But as obvious as it is that she sucks, it would be a mistake to reveal how you feel about her to your boyfriend. Any negative comment about a man’s ex, however accurate, is bound to be construed as jealousy or pettiness. So talk shit all you want among friends, but don’t divulge the extent to which you loathe your man’s former flame when he’s around.

2. That his best friend has a small penis.

No man enjoys hearing that someone he respects and loves is stuck with a small penis. If you happen to be privy to information regarding the penis size of any of your boyfriend’s closest male friends—either through hooking up with them yourself, or knowing someone who has—keep it to yourself. You don’t want to deliver the message that will make your boyfriend feel awkward in his buddy’s company because he’s sure to resent you for it. It’s smarter to let a man hold onto the dream that everyone he likes and admires is sufficiently well endowed.

3. That you think any of your closest girlfriends are really hot.

It’s natural to be attracted to members of the same sex. But once you mention to your boyfriend that you think one of your closest girlfriend’s is especially good-looking or that you suspect she’d be great in bed, you open the floodgates of his imagination. You practically invite him to beg you for a threesome. So unless you want your man to devote a significant amount of mental energy to picturing one of your good friends naked and to bugging you about inviting her over constantly, keep your thoughts about your gal pal’s hotness to yourself.

4. That you hate your [insert body part].

We all have hang-ups about our appearance. But when you harp on the fact that you hate a certain aspect of your face or body, you accomplish two things: You draw your boyfriend’s attention to your physical flaws, and you poison yourself with toxic thoughts. If you want to discuss the fact that you have larger thighs than you’d like or that your hips are too wide or too boyish or too pointy, or that you have tragically large ear lobes, or your eyebrow hair is the wrong shade of brown, do it in a lighthearted way. Make fun of yourself all you want, but don’t proclaim that you “hate” anything about the way you look.

5. That so-and-so is really good at oral sex.

Women like to talk about oral sex, and who’s good at it. Over the years, each of us builds an unofficial Who’s Skilled At Oral roster, including guys we know are naturally skilled through firsthand experience, those who take tongue direction well, and those we’ve heard are proficient through (ahem) word-of-mouth. When someone on your mental cunnilingus list comes up in conversation, it can be tempting to mention their gift. Don’t. Just don’t.

6. That you hate any of your exes.

Maybe your ex broke your heart or humiliated you or committed some awful relationship crime and you regularly entertain vindictive fantasies in which you set fire to his most prized possessions and terrorize him in the middle of the night. Whatever you do, keep your vengeful dreams and hateful thoughts to yourself. It doesn’t matter how terribly things ended with that last guy. It’s never wise to tell your current partner that you hate your ex because hate is an indication of strong feelings and lingering passion. Hate isn’t the opposite of love, after all. Indifference is.

7. That you’re browsing a ridiculously expensive store for fun.

When your boyfriend calls and casually asks where you are and you happen to be browsing an insanely expensive boutique (because it’s fun to gawk at ridiculous price tags and the people who drop thousands of dollars on a sweater without thinking twice), you should always feel free to take a creative license regarding your exact whereabouts. A vague reply such as “I’m uptown” or “I’m at a store” is always preferable to “I’m at Christian Dior” or “I’m on the third floor of Barney’s.” Why set off the “she has expensive taste” alarm if you don’t have to? Unless you’re bleeding to death and need him to send an ambulance, you might as well claim that you’re at Trader Joe’s.

8. That you understand what his mom sees (or saw) in his dad.

You know what people find yet more cringeworthy than the mental image of their parents getting it on (even in service of their own creation)? The mental image of their significant other getting busy with their mom or dad. When you comment, however subtly, that you’re able to see your boyfriend’s father as an attractive, sexual being, you practically force him to watch the most disturbing porno possible. Even if you try to frame your appreciation of his old man’s looks as a compliment by adding that your boyfriend and his dad are built similarly, you’re bound to trigger some unwelcome thoughts that lead him to resent you.

9. That you have a secret stash of cash.

It’s never a bad idea to stash some cash on the sly for emergency use. It feels good to add a few bucks here and a few bucks there to an envelope you keep in the back of your underwear drawer or rolled up inside a pair of striped socks you never wear. A financial cushion provides comfort, especially in the moments when you’re fighting with the person you love and you need to indulge the fantasy of grabbing your cash and leaving for good, if only for a moment. But the point of a squirrel fund is that you and you alone know it exists. Once you admit to having one, it loses its value as your personal safety net. Plus, you’re bound to face an onslaught of suspicion on other fronts.

10. That you flirt with your superiors at work.

We have a lot of double standards when it comes to what’s acceptable for men and women from a sexual standpoint. We celebrate men who go to extreme lengths and/or behave indecently as long as they do so in the name of providing for their families (see: Breaking Bad’s Walter White, Mad Men’s Don Draper, Tony Soprano, etc.). Meanwhile, we demonize women who are willing to use their sexuality to get ahead in the workplace. So if you’re someone who believes its her right to nurture a professional flirtation for the sake of advancing her career objectives, keep it to yourself. Neither you nor your boyfriend will benefit from an honest discussion on this topic.

11. That chivalry is dead.

A lot of independent, progressive women have a tendency to dismiss basic etiquette as antiquated, unnecessary, or, worse yet, offensive—as if by holding every door open for themselves they’re carrying the torch of feminism. But what’s not to like about a well-mannered guy who lets others out of the elevator first, helps with the on-and-off jacket dance, and walks around the back of a taxi cab so his date doesn’t have to scooch across the backseat to make room for him? When we declare that chivalry is dead we give guys everywhere permission to behave less gentlemanly, which isn’t wonderful for women anywhere.

12. That you’re not really the romantic type.

Maybe you’re not really into the frills that accompany traditional dating. You don’t need a weekly “date night” and you’re not into celebrating your birthday and you really don’t want a gift on Valentine’s Day because it’s the stupidest of all Hallmark holidays. The problem is that the things you don’t want now have a way of transforming into things you might kind of like down the line. So don’t pigeon-hole yourself into being above a dash of romance. You’re better off reserving the right to demand a nice night out once in while, and preventing your man from the dangers of feeling comfortably lazy.

13. That you’re laughing at him.

Once in a while, your boyfriend will do something unintentionally hilarious in a moment when he’s not in a “funny mood” on account of being stressed out or in a rush. He might trip on the sidewalk in spite of your warnings about the hazards of texting while walking, or accidentally pour milk into his water glass instead of his coffee mug. In these situations, it can be really hard to resist laughing out loud because it’s hysterical to watch someone fall or do something stupid—to everyone except the person who feels humiliated, of course. To avoid stoking ire in your anxiety ridden boyfriend who’s done something laugh-out-loud funny, avoid confessing that you’re laughing at him. Instead, you can claim that you just remembered a funny Tweet from yesterday (they won’t ask you to repeat it since they’re not in the right mindset) or you can always say, “I’m not laughing at you. It’s the situation that’s funny.”

14. That you’ve been proposed to already.

If you have any desire whatsoever to marry your current boyfriend (one day…maybe…if he drops the bro act and gets his shit together in time), don’t tell the man about any official or unofficial proposals you’ve fielded in the past. You might think it makes you look desirable to mention that another dude once had designs to lock your ass down, but what you’re actually doing is diminishing your boyfriend’s power to stage a one-and-only moment, and possibly robbing yourself of another engagement offer.

15. That you’ve had several abortions.

There’s something refreshing about the scene from Girls’ in which Mimi-Rose explains to her boyfriend Adam that she can’t have sex with him or take a bath or exercise for a week or so because she had an abortion the day before. Adam’s knee-jerk reaction—he’s extremely upset that he wasn’t incorporated into the decision making process—isn’t all that surprising. Since guys don’t have vaginas or wombs or the ability to spend nine months transforming a sack of cells into a human baby, they’re not all that well equipped to grasp how a woman might feel when impregnated, or what factors inform her decision to terminate an unwanted pregnancy. So if you can avoid it, you might as well spare a guy from trying to understand your abortion history—unless of course you really feel like sharing, which is your right. Just don’t be surprised if you then have to explain that abortion is a simple, routine procedure and that neither your heart nor your lady parts are necessarily broken as a result.

I Don't Think So!

Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.

Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.

"Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don't fix it the food will go bad." Kate said.

Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don't think so."

A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it's out."

"Who do I look like an electrician, I don't think so, " Paul says.

A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it."

Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I don't think so."

Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.

He decides to go to a bar down the road.

After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.

He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.

He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.

He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.

Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this."

She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch.

A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help.

He fixed everything.

I asked him what I could do for payment.

He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him."

Paul says, "Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don't think so!"

Baby Hermaphrodite


A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby doctor? What's wrong?"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman is confused. "A hermaphrodite..... what's that?"

The doctor replies, "Well, it means your baby has the.......er......features....of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh MY GOD! you mean it has a penis..... AND a brain.

Psychiatrist Observations

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go.

A night with the princess

A King had to leave his Kingdom for some business. He was afraid that his only Daughter would be taken advantage of by some of the Guards because she was a very deep sleeper. So before he left, he slipped a razor blade between the lips of her vagina.

The King left. That night, three of the Guards did plan to Fuck the Princess.

The First Guard went into her room. From outside of the room, the other two Guards listened. Suddenly, they heard the First Guard scream. He came out. The other two Guards asked why he screamed. Embarrassed, he said that it was so good that he couldn't control himself. This made the other two smile.

The Second Guard went in. After some time? Ahhhhh!!! The Second Guard came out. The Third Guard asked what happened. Just as embarrassed as the First Guard, the Second Guard said that it felt so good that he couldn't control himself. The Third Guard smiled.

The Third Guard went into the room. He went up to the Princess and lifted her dress. Outside, the other two Guards listened. Mmmmmhhhh!?! The other two Guards took off! The next morning, the King came back. He suspected that his Guards tried to fuck his daughter. He told them to drop their pants. Each of them did. Two of them had sliced dicks, but the third one didn?t. Confused, the King asked why. He stuck his tongue out and said, ?I neba pry fuk ur dahta, I wet lik ur dahta?!

Rabbit Hole

Three brothers are traveling along a road, and their car dies. They all get out of the car, and start walking to a barn that's a little ways away. When they get their, the farmer comes out of the barn, and offers them a room for one night.

He says to the first one, "You can sleep with the pigs," the second guy," you can sleep with the cows", and the third guy, "I like the cut of your jib. You can sleep with my 18 duaghters."

The next morning, he asks everyone how they slept. The first man said, "I slept like a pig."

The second man said ,"I slept like a cow."

The third guy said, "I slept like a rabbit. I jumped from hole, to hole, to hole.

Christmas Eve

A man is about to jump off London Bridge when he hears a voice behind him. It's Santa Claus.
"Why do this? It's Christmas Eve?" Santa says.
"Because I've lost my job, " the man answered, " my wife has left me, and I have no presents for the kids."
"Ah, I can grant you 3 wishes, " replied Santa, "So when you get up tomorrow your job will be there, your wife will be waiting for you, and there'll be presents for the children."
"Oh Santa - however can I repay you?" gasped the man.
"Well - not a lot of people know this, " came the reply, "But old Santa is gay, you could bend over for me, the elves aren't much good at it."
"Dunno 'bout that, " the man said.
"Oh, go on, " Santa urged, "After all - I granted you 3 wishes, don't be so ungrateful."
"Ok, " the man sighed, as he unzipped his trousers.
Santa did the biz and when he finished the man pulled his trousers back up.
Santa looks at the man and asks "How old are you?"
"47, " came the reply.
"What? And you still believe in Santa Claus?"

A Priest, A Minister, A Rabbi And A Bear



A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:


“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”


“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”


They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.


“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

What is politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”
Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

Can someone explain to me what this joke actually means



Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"




His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

Threesomes Orgy

Two friends:

"Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?"

"Of course! How many people are coming?"

"Three, if you bring your girlfriend."

Condom





Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.

"Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour."

As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:

"Gorgonzola"

"Wait!!, it is not on yet.

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