Fruity Vacation

Three americans are on a vacation hiking in a jungle in Brazil.

While there, they are attacked by cannibals. The cannibals say they'll eat them if they dont complete 2 tasks. They agree.

The first task is to go in to the center of the jungle and collect eight of of one fruit. The first tourist, Craig collects eight oranges. The second, Bob finds eight grapes. They all sit and wait for the third, Roy but they don't see him so they just go on without him.

The next task is to shove all of the fruit that they collected up their ass showing no emotion on their face. Well Craig gets to two oranges before he starts crying. So they tie him to a stake ready to be burned. Bob gets to six grapes before he starts laughing uncontrollably, and they tie him to the stake too.

Just before the cannibals set alight to the stake Craig says to Bob "Why did you start laughing you could have gone free.", Bob says "Well because I just saw Roy coming out of the woods with eight pineapples."

Pakistani sandal shop

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan they were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From the inside they head a Pakistani accent say, "you foreigners come in. Come in my humble shop." so the married couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great dessert camel"

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being a sex hero he as.

The husband, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replied, why don't you see for yourself?"

Well , the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.

As soon as he slipped then onto this feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in years-- raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye the husband rushed of too the Pakistani man threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants.
All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"

Sex With The English Teacher

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

What a Shock

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself".

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife. At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor.

The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my mail man came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

86 Reasons Why A Beer Is Better Than A Man

1. A beer makes life easier.
2. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
3. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
4. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
5. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
6. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
7. A beer will never expect you to sleep in the wet spot IT makes.
8. A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.
9. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
10. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
11. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
12. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
13. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
14. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
15. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
16. A beer will never smell like a man.
17. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
18. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
19. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
20. A beer doesn't sulk.
21. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
22. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
23. A beer doesn't have to sleep with the windows open.
24. A beer doesn't snore.
25. A beer can't interrupt.
26. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburettor.
27. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
28. A beer doesn't belch.
29. Or fart.
30. A beer doesn't mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom.
31. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
32. A good beer is easy to find.
33. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
34. A beer can't pout.
35. A beer doesn't have a mother.
36. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink your beer.
37. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
38. A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy another beer.
39. A beer won't even mind if you have another six pack.
40. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled “turbo”.
41. A beer won't care if you gain five pounds.
42. A beer will be there for anytime of the month.
43. A beer doesn't want children.
44. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
45. A beer isn't ready until you're ready.
46. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
47. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
48. Hangovers go away.
49. A beer tastes good.
50. Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower.
51. A beer would never leave hair in the bottom of the bathtub.
52. A beer is never late.
53. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
54. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.
55. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback.
56. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
57. A beer would never make fun of your new outfit.
58. A beer never needs a shave.
59. You don't have to let a beer win.
60. A beer doesn't care what toppings you get on the pizza.
61. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to sleep with a beer too.
62. A beer doesn't have morning breath.
63. A beer never wants to go to the drag races.
64. A beer is happy to go where ever you want to go.
65. A beer helps with the housework.
66. A beer will never drink the last beer.
67. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
68. You can't get herpes from a beer.
69. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
70. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
71. A beer is seldom messy.
72. When a beer is finished, it doesn't roll over and go to sleep.
73. After you've had a beer, all you're committed to doing is throwing out the container.
74. A beer container is recyclable.
75. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
76. A beer will NEVER call you “Babe”. Or “Sugar”.
77. A beer is never temperamental.
78. A beer will never complain about your cooking.
79. A cold beer is a good beer.
80. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
81. A beer will never worry about losing its hair.
82. A big, fat beer is nice to have.
83. A beer is never too sensitive.
84. A beer won't steal the covers.
85. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
86. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.

Stupid Women?

Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman standing in a bar.

Englishman says: "My wife is so thick. She's just bought a car and she doesn't drive."

Scotsman says: "Think that's bad? My wife has just paid for a swimming pool to be built in the back garden and she doesn't swim."

Irishman thinks for a while: "I can beat that, my wife has just gone to Greece on holiday. She's taken 50 condoms with her and she doesn't even have a c.o.c.k...

Hand relief for money.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a hooker at a table, so he walks over to her and says, how much is it for a hand job?

She says 10 dollars so he said well that's a lot of money but okay how much have you made off of hand jos she said you see all those cars out there I bought all those with the money I've made from hand jobs. so they go out to his truck and she gives him the best hand job of his life.

Then he decides he wants a blow job and asked her how much it was and she said $25 and he said how much have you made off of blow jobs she said you see this bar I bought it with all of the money I've made from blow jobs.

So he said ok ok and she gave him the best blow job of his life. Then he decided to get daring and ask how much it was for pu$$y and she said you see all those sky scrapers over there that's what I would own if I had a pu$$y.

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