the difference between Potentially and Realistically

A son asked his father, ‘Dad, what's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?’
The Father replied, ‘If you really want to know, go ask your mother if she'll sleep with Robert Redford for one million dollars, and then go ask your sister if she'll sleep with Brad Pitt for one million dollars. And then go ask your brother if he'll sleep with Tom Cruise for one million dollars, and then come back to me and tell me what you found out.’
So the son goes to his mom and says, ‘Mom, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?’ and the mom says ‘For a Million Dollars, Hell yeah, I would, I've been wanting to forever.’
So the son goes to his sister and asks her if she'll sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars and the sister says ‘Oh man, would I ever. I'd Love To.’
So then the son goes to his brother and says, ‘Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?’ and the brother says, ‘Hmm...for a million dollars, well...a million dollars is a lot of money, so...yeah I guess I'd do it for a million dollars’
So the boy goes back to his dad and the dad says to his son, ‘Well, what did you find out?’
His son replies, ‘Well, we're Potentially sitting on three million dollars, but realistically we're living with two sluts and a fag.’

He means business!


A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO, walks up the guy and asks -’and how much money do you make a week?’
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, ‘I make $200.00 a week. Why?’
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams - ‘here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!’
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks - ‘does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?’
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters - ‘Pizza delivery guy.

Advanced Medicine

An Israeli doctor said, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.’
A German doctor said ‘That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.’
A Russian doctor said, ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.’
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said ‘Hah! We can take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House, and half the country will be looking for work the next day!’

Dog Poker

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed that three men and a dog were playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance. ‘This is a very smart dog,’ the man commented.
‘He's not so smart,’ said one of the irked players. ‘Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.’

Wonder Pills


A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.
A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.
The pharmacist says, ‘Here's a pill for English literature.’
The student swallows the pill and has new knowledge about English literature!
Impressed, he asks, ‘What else do you have?’
‘Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,’ replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, swallows them, and has new knowledge about those subjects.
Then the student asks, ‘Do you have a pill for math?’
The pharmacist says, ‘Wait just a moment.’ He goes back into the storeroom and returns with a whopper of a pill that he plunks on the counter.
‘I have to take that huge pill for math?’ inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied, ‘Well, you know--math always was a little hard to swallow.’

cheating wife

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while en-route to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act.
The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man.
The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted, ‘Don't do it, this man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you and who do you think paid for our new boat…he did!’
The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said, ‘What would you do in a case like this?’
The cabbie smiled, and said,

Naughty Nuns

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.”
He asked how.
She said “I saw a man’s private part.” He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.”
He asked how.
“I touched a man’s private parts.” He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, “I’m not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it.”

the dog again requests his drink

A man walks into a bar with a St. Bernard and asks for a martini. The dog requests a double martini.
The bartender says to the man "So you're a ventriloquist. Big deal. We don't serve dogs in here."
The man gets up to go to the men's room, and the dog again requests his drink.
The bartender is amazed. "Good God, you can talk. Will you do a favor for me?"
The dog replies, "What's in it for me?"
The bartender goes to the cash register and takes out a $20 bill. "Here's $20.
Go across the street to Riley's bar and tell the guys in there that they are abunch of wimps and that our softball team will whip their a**es when we play them this weekend."
The dog goes out. His owner returns and asks "Where's Rex?"

The bartender says "He went across the street to do me a favor." The
owner is visibly upset and says "I don't let Rex out alone!"
The dog's owner leaves immediately to retrieve Rex, but Rex is not across the
street. He is in the gutter in front of the bar going at it fast and hard with
an Irish Setter. The owner is amazed. "Rex, what's come over you? You've
never done anything like this before." Rex responds, "I've never had money
before."

Did you see what your monkey did?

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, ‘Did you see what your monkey just did?’
The guy says, ‘No, what?’
‘He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!’ says the bartender.
‘Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,’ replies the patron. ‘He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.’
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.
‘Did you see what your monkey did?’
‘Now what?’ asks the patron.
‘Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!’ says the barkeeper.
‘Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,’ replies the patron. ‘He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first.’

How To Get Out Of Your Next Speeding Ticket...


A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding too!

Drunk And Falling Down


A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result. He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, ‘So you've been out drinking again, have you?’
‘No! What makes you say that?’ he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.
‘The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again.’

Three Babies in the Womb

There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up.
The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky."
The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "So I can get some lights in here, its dark!"
The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"


He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.

Some Things You Just Can't Explain


A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.
A man came in and asked the farmer, ‘Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?’
The farmer shook his head and replied, ‘Some things you just can't explain.’
‘So what happened that's so horrible?’ the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
‘Well,’ the farmer said, ‘today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.’
‘Okay,’ said the man, ‘but that's not so bad.’
‘Some things you just can't explain,’ the farmer replied.
‘So what happened then?’ the man asked.
The farmer said, ‘I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.’
‘And then?’
‘Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.’
The man laughed and said, ‘Again?’
The farmer replied, ‘Some things you just can't explain.’
‘So, what did you do then?’ the man asked.
‘I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.’
‘And then?’
‘Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.’
‘Hmmm,’ the man said and nodded his head.
‘Some things you just can't explain,’ the farmer said.
‘So, what did you do?’ the man asked.
‘Well,’ the farmer said, ‘I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...

The Super Sale!

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person ‘How much are the washer and dryer?’
‘Five dollars for both of them,’ the salesman said.
‘Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!’ the man replied sarcastically.
‘No, that's the price,’ the salesman said, ‘Do you want to buy them or not?’
‘Yeah, I'll take them!’ the customer responded.
He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and sub woofers.
‘How much?’ he asked.
‘Five dollars for the system,’ the salesman answered.
‘Is it stolen?’ the guy asks.
‘No,’ said the salesman, ‘It's brand new, do you want it or not?’
‘Sure,’ the customer replied. He looked around some more.
Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor.
‘How much?’
‘Five dollars,’ was the familiar response.
‘I'll take that too!’ the man said.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him, ‘Why are your prices so cheap?’
The salesman said, ‘Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!’

Well Done!


A man's house is on fire. No help is in sight so he takes matters into his own hands.
He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside.
Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her outside.
Then his wife. Then the dog. Then the cat.
Then he goes back in ‘3 more times’ without bringing out anybody or anything.
So a bystander is curious and asks him, ‘Why do you keep going back into your burning house and not coming out with anything?’
The man replies, ‘I'm turning over my mother in law

Pierre the pilot,


Pierre, a French Air Force pilot takes his girlfriend out for picnic lunch. After they've eaten his girlfriend leans over to him and says, ‘Kiss me Pierre.’
He grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes some on her lips.
‘Why did you do that?’ his girlfriend asked.
‘I'm Pierre the pilot, when I have my red meat, I want it with red wine.’
The two start kissing, and after a minute she asks him to kiss her breast. He takes some white wine and splashes it on her chest.
‘Why did you do that?’
‘I'm Pierre the pilot, when I have my white meat, I want it with white wine.’
They continue to make out, and she instructs him to kiss her a little lower. He takes a bottle of cognac splashes it on her, and then strikes a match. He then throws the match on her. She shrieks and dives into the river.
‘What was that for?’
‘I am Pierre the pilot, when I go down I go down in flames.’

Sperm


Two of Clinton's sperm are swimming around in Monica, when one of the sperm looks at the other and says,’ Hey I think we are coming close to the ovaries.’
The other sperm looks at the first and says,’ Hey relax we just passed the tonsils.’

Your wife fell out of your car?


A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
‘So,’ says the cop to the driver, ‘where have you been?’
‘I've been to the sports bar,’ slurs the drunk.
‘Well,’ says the cop, ‘it looks like you've had quite a few.’
‘I did all right,’ the drunk says with a smile.
‘Did you know,’ says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, ‘that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?’
‘Oh, thank heavens,’ sighs the drunk. ‘For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.’

New husbend !

The minister dies and the congregation decides, after some time, that his widow, should marry again. Since it is a small village the only available candidate is the local butcher. Although very reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she accepts.

After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath - the new husband tells his wife, "Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the weekend it was a blessing to have sex."

They do it and then on Saturday he tells her, "According to my father it is a blessing to have sex during the day before the Sabbath.

There they go again and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her, "My grandfather told me that one should always have sex on Sabbath night."

Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells her, "My aunt says that a Christian man always starts the Sabbath by having sex. So lets do it."

Finally on Monday she goes out to the market and meets a friend that asks her, "So how is the new husband?"

"Well, an intellectual he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful family."

Accountancy

A company is interviewing applicants for an accountancy position, and the three finalists have been chosen.
The first one is called in, and asked, ‘What is two plus two?’
She answers, ‘Four,’ and is asked to leave.
The second finalist is called in, and asked the same question, ‘What is two plus two?’
He also answers, ‘Four,’ and is also asked to leave.
The third and final applicant is called in, and yet again asked, ‘What is two plus two?’
He answers, ‘What do you want it to be?’
He got the job.

Women and Home Depot

Bill was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished, Mary asked “How much for that faucet?”
Walt replied, “That’s pewter and it costs $300.”
“My goodness that sure is a lot of money!” Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bill had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, “Mary. You wanna screw for that hinge?”
Mary replied, “No, but I will for the faucet.”
This is why you can’t send a woman to Home Depot.

Mum's are hard to fool


Peter invites his mum for tea and notices his flat mate Joe is slightly camp. Although she suspects Peter is gay, he denies that anything is going on and says they are only flat mates.


A week later Joe says to Peter  : "Ever since your mum came to tea I can't find the frying pan.

Peter e- mails his mum and says, Dear Mum, I am not saying that you DID take the frying pan and I am not saying you DID NOT take the frying pan. But it has been missing ever since you came for tea, love Peter.

His mum replies, Dear son, I am not saying you DO sleep with Joe and im not saying you DO NOT sleep with Joe, but if he was sleeping in his own bed he would have found the frying pan by now..
love Mumm..

How to Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have Pecs. (No.)

4. Turn on the water.

5. Check for Pecs again. (Still No.)

6. Get in the shower.

7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one.)

8. Wash your face.

9. Wash your armpits.

10. Wash your penis and surrounding area.

11. Wash your ass.

12. Shampoo your hair, do not use conditioner.

13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

14. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.

15. Pee.

16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.

17. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing robe and towel on head. If you happen to see boyfriend/husband along the way, ignore juvenile "turban-head" jokes and run to bathroom.

3. Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out stomach so as to complain about how fat you're getting.

4. Turn on hot water only.

5. Get in the shower -- once you've found it through all the steam.

6. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, and pumice stone.

7. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lemon shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

8. Rinse hair.

9. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lemon conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

10. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red and raw.

11. Try to wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Java Cake body wash.

12. Complain bitterly when you realize that your boyfriend/husband has once again been EATING your Ginger Nut and Java Cake body wash.

13. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that all the conditioner has come off).

14. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered.

15. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water.

16. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.

17. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.

Password

I was helping someone set up his computer, and when we came to a screen where he needed to enter a password, his rebellious attitude kicked in.
He keyed in the word, ‘penis.’
The program quickly replied, *** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***

BILL’S BOX UNDER THE BED

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it”
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box was 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”
Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”
Bill answered: “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”

George Bush met The Queen



He turns round and says: ‘As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom’ to which the Queen replies, ‘I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King.’
George Bush thought a while and then said: ‘How about a Principality then?’, to which the Queen replied ‘Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush.’
Bush thought long and hard and came up with ‘How about an Empire then?’
The Queen, getting a little fed up by now, replied ‘Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor.’
Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: ‘I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country.’

Snow White & the seven dwarfs


One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of ‘Good Nights’ she went upstairs.
Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.
After a minute or two he hollered down, ‘She's taking off her blouse!’ and this was echoed down the stack ‘Taking off her blouse,’ ‘She's taking off her blouse,’ ‘Blouse is coming off,’ ‘Taking off her blouse,’ etc.
Next Grumpy yelled, ‘She's taking off her skirt,’ which was followed by the echoes ‘Taking off her skirt,’ ‘She's taking off her skirt,’ ‘Skirt's coming off,’ ‘Taking off her skirt,’ etc.
Of course the next line from Grumpy was, ‘She's taking off her bra!’ and the echo chorus went down the line: ‘She's taking off her bra!’ ‘She's taking off her bra!’ ‘She's taking off her bra!’ etc.
Then Grumpy said, ‘She's taking off her panties!’ which again cascaded down the dwarf tower: ‘She's taking off her panties!’ ‘She's taking off her panties!’ ‘She's taking off her panties!’ ‘She's taking off her panties!’ etc.
Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, ‘Someone's coming!’
And from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, ‘Me too.’
‘Me too.’
‘Me too.’
‘Me too.’
‘Me too.’
‘Me too.’

Who has invented the love?


The poor, so they can fuck for free.

Bob's wife & the bowling team


Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How u doing?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

A Beautiful Queen with nice breasts.


Once upon a time, lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try
to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio
the Physician, the King’s chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and
said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but
it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a
little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if
applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests
had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to
cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their
chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching
powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours,
Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and
hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his
payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn’t
have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to
the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the King’s underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story – Pay your bloody bills!!!

The Goodnight Kiss


One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her”Darling, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's going to see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, and they’re all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."

Ladies Room

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the men room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover...
Your penis is under your pillow !"

First Time Sex


A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel.
When they are relaxing afterwords, he asks, ‘Am I the first man you ever made love to?’
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying.
‘You might be,’ she says. ‘Your face looks familiar.’

The Top 10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life


1. The doctor because he says, ‘Take off your clothes’.
2. The dentist because he says, ‘Open Wide’
3. The hairdresser because he says, ‘Do you want it teased or blown’
4. The milkman because he says, ‘Do you want it in the front or in back?’
5. The Interior Decorator because he says, ‘Once you have it all in, you'll love it!’
6. The banker because he says, ‘If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest’
7. The police officer because he says, ‘Spread 'em.’
8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

Kiss it Better?


Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets out a scream.
His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling. He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, ‘K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it better.’
Little Johnny's mother shouts, ‘Don't start your father's shit with me!’

Clean Your Ears



A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse enters his room to sponge his face and hands.
‘Nurse,’ he mumbles from behind the mask, ‘Are my testicles black?’
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ‘I don't know Mr. Jones, I'm only here to wash your face and hands.’
He struggles again to ask, ‘Nurse, are my testicles black?’
Again the nurse replies, ‘I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands.’
The head nurse walks by and sees the man getting a little distraught, so she marches over to find out what's wrong.
‘Nurse,’ he mumbles, ‘are my testicles black?’
The head nurse whips back the sheets, pulls down the man's pajamas, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas and says, ‘There's nothing wrong with them.’
Frustrated at this, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, ‘I said, are my test results back?’

A Happy Biker


A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a ‘or sale’ sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner.
‘This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.
‘Well,’ says the seller, ‘it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it.’ And he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
‘Honey,’ she says, ‘I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.’
‘No problem,’ he says. And in they go
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.
‘Her Mom's kinda cute’, he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: ‘All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes.

Armed Forces Radio Communication


This is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95, MSG#H0000115020ecb52EMHS








#1: ‘Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.’
#2: ‘Recommend that you change YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.’
#1: ‘This is the captain of a U.S.Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.’
#2: ‘No, I say again divert YOUR course.’
#1: ‘This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the U.S.Navy. Divert your course NOW!’
#2: ‘This is a lighthouse. Your call?’

DUI Test


A Georgia state patrolman pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.
The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares and lit them, and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunk got out and looked at the show, then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in.
The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, ‘Just take me to jail... Hell, ain't no way I'm gonna pass that test.

The hearses driver


A tourist is picked up by a cab in New York on a dark night.
The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, ‘Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!’
The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a ‘little tap’ could scare him so much.
The driver, after gathering himself together replied, ‘Sorry, it's not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years! 

The Big Bad Mouse


One day a mouse was running around inside a zoo when he thought to himself, ‘I need a piece of ass!’ He sees this elephant standing underneath a coconut tree, so he runs over to the elephant, climbs up its leg and begins to stick his the meat in her. After a couple of minutes the mouse is getting into it, when a coconut falls from the tree and hits the elephant on the head. Well the elephant goes, ‘OOOOF’ and the mouse peeks around and says, ‘SUFFER BITCH!’

Mother, where do babies come from?



Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest
daughter walks in.

Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear... a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night,
they go into their room... they kiss and hug and have sex. (The
daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the
mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh, I see, but the other night, when I came into you and daddy's room,
you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mom: Jewelry, dear.

phone pole

Ed was a successful computer programmer and a happy family man. His life was blessed with a loving wife, 2 kids, three cats and a dog. Ed loved taking Rusty the dog for his evening walk and was proud when his son, Little Johnny, began asking to go along on Rusty’s evening walks.Little Johnny was an observant and curious child and one evening asked his father: “Daddy, why does Rusty always sniff that phone pole when we take him for his walk?”
Well, Ed wasn’t sure how he should answer his son. How DOES one explain the way animals mark their territory to a 6-year-old? Stalling for time Ed asked: “What do you think he’s doing Johnny?”

Little Johnny frowned in concentration, then brightened and said: “I know! I Know! … He’s checking his P-Mail!”

Happy Birthday

Do you want to know why I fired my Secretary!?   OK!!!
Last week was my birthday
and I didn’t feel very well
waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
“Happy Birthday!”,
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone ” Happy Birthday.”
I thought… Well, that’ s marriage for you,
but the kids…They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn’t say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
“Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday ! “
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o’clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know,
It’s such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.”
I said, “Thanks, Jane,
that’s the greatest thing
I’ve heard all day.
Let’s go !”
We went to lunch.
But we didn’t go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, “You know,
It’s such a beautiful day…
We don’t need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?”
I responded, “I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?”
She said, “Let’s drop by my apartment,
it’s just around the corner.”
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,” Bo ss, if you don’t mind,
I’m going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I’ll be right back.”
“OK.” I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake …
Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.
And I just sat there………
On the couch………….
Naked.

Gas Problem


I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my drink and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

The 3 Old-Timers..


Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.
‘Sixty is the worst age to be,’ announced the 60 year old, ‘you always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!’
‘Ah, that's nothing,’ said the 60 year old.’When you're 70, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !’
‘Actually,’ said the eighty year old, ‘Eighty is the worst age of all.’
‘Do you have trouble peeing too?’ asked the sixty year old.
‘No ... Not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all.’
‘Do you have trouble taking a crap?’ asked the 70 year old.
‘No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30.’
With great exasperation, the 60 year old said ‘Let me get this straight.
You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty.
What's so tough about being eighty ?’
To which the eighty year old replied, ‘I don't wake up until ten!’

‘Do you have sex in Dallas?’



An Eagle Fan is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Cowboy Fan, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
Eagle Fan ignores the Dallas fan who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Cowboy Fan: ‘You Eagle folk eat the whole bread?’
Eagle Fan (in a bad mood): ‘Of course.’
Cowboy Fan: (after blowing a huge bubble) ‘We don't. In Dallas, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Pennsylvania.’
The Cowboy Fan has a smirk on his face. The Eagle Fan listens.
The Cowboy Fan persists: ‘Do you eat jelly with the bread?’
Eagle Fan: ‘Of Course.’
Cowboy Fan: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling) ‘We don't. In Dallas we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Pennsylvania.’
The Eagle Fan then asks: ‘Do you have sex in Dallas?’
Cowboy Fan: ‘Why of course we do,’ he says with a big smirk.
Eagle Fan: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?’
Cowboy Fan: ‘We throw them away, of course.’
Eagle Fan: ‘We don't. In Pennsylvania, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Dallas.’

Cell Phone Man



This guy was in a bar talking to his hand.
The bartender came to him and said, ‘I do not want weirdo’s in my bar. I might ask you to leave.’
The guy said, ‘I'm talking to my cell phone. I got tired of carrying my cell phone so I had it embedded into my hand.’ The bartender did not believe him, so the guy had the bartender dial a number and then talked into his hand. The bartender said, ‘How cool!’
As the evening went on the bar got more crowded. The bartender looked up and noticed the guy was gone but his drink and cigarettes were still there. The bartender got worried and went looking for him.
The bartender went into the bathroom and saw the guy on the floor with his pants down to his knees and a roll of toilet paper up his butt. The bartender asked, ‘Are you OK? Who did this to you?’
The guy replied, ‘I'm OK, just waiting for a fax!’

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